What if my marriage was a big mistake?

by Joe Matogo

The day is here. The moment you have been waiting for all of your life. It’s 30 minutes before the wedding, the church decoration looks amazing the groom and his boys look dapper in their crisp outfit, the weather is right and the flowers couldn’t be more alive. The bride is getting her final touch-ups of makeup before she’s elegantly escorted down the aisle, a bouquet on one hand and her other wrapped around her father’s. In less than an hour, you will be the newest bride in town. The most important part of the day is here, words that will change your life forever. “I take thee, to be my wedded wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and here’s my solemn vow.”

Many months down the road, you come to this big realization that marriage is not what you expected and you are sure that you shouldn’t have gotten married. Your spouse has broken all expectations that you came with into the marriage. The romance is over and it feels like you live in a warzone. The fights keep getting bigger, the rift between you gets wider and a part of you dies with every passing day. It surely feels like the worst mistake of your life. You look back to the days before you got married and think to yourself, what if I had waited? What if my ex was the right one for me?

The reality is that there are things that are happening in your marriage that are making you question your decision to get married to this person. Some don’t like admitting this and will even brush off or downplay their feelings. But you are justified to feel like this. There is a reason you are feeling like this. If something is big enough to question your vow, you should not let it go. It’s not easy to be here. It is heart-wrenching, to say the least. It’s a season that you have to wrestle through. You have to work through it to get out stronger.

This blog is not a quick fix to the issues in your marriage and I will not pretend to understand the magnitude of what you are going through in your marriage. These are words of encouragement to carry you through this tough season. As you grapple with the reality of your marriage, I would like to remind you of two things;

The vow: It’s very easy to look at the current state of your marriage and believe that you made a mistake. Look back for a moment. You dated, you even sat through weeks of a pre-marital class, and thereafter you made a conscious decision to take it to the alter. God does not give up on us when it is hard, He stays with us in the dumps where it stinks. Jesus is not just our savior, he is our burden bearer, our York taker. This is such an important vow, when things get tough, don’t bail, look up for solutions. Remember marriage is God’s idea, why not take it back to him. We often look for answers in all the wrong places instead of the first place where it all started, the alter. God is the third strand of your cord. Give him a chance to fix it. Take some time to look for answers his word, pray, listen to his voice, tap into his grace offered in 2 Corinthians 12:9  where he says; “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Talk to a mentor/a trusted friend/ a counselor: Many times couple hide their issues. We are so good at camouflaging our struggling marriages on social media, all the while dying from the inside. Some won’t talk about the issues they are going through all in the name of protecting their image. Marriage can be tough, and we’re all guilty of making mistakes… after all, it’s only natural. Despite what we may see on our favorite TV shows, the truth is that there is really is no such thing as a “perfect couple.” Marriage was never to be done alone. No man (or marriage thereof) is an island. God will use people to pour into your marriage, people who will stand with you in the heart of it all. People who will pray for you and point you in the right direction. Look for a trusted couple who have a working Godly marriage, a pastor, or a capable trusted counselor. I discourage family (coz most of the time, they are one-sided) and unmarried friends (coz they don’t know what goes on in marriage).

Remember, it is a season and God will see you through. If you trust him and lean on his promises, tap on his grace for the season, you will come out stronger and refined, all for the glory of his name.